Kakashi: Closet Stalker
by E-chu
Summary: SasuNaru. When Sasuke offers to give Naruto some advice on girls, Kakashi suspects the Uchiha has other ideas in mind...


My first fanfiction. ^_^ Everyone says that don't they? Anyway, the pairing's SasuNaru so enjoy. Oh and the title was supposed to be Closet _Pervert _Stalker but I thought I'd better not put that since the title's supposed to be suitable for everyone and all.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. You'd notice if I did because there would be a whole lot more yaoi-goodness.

* * *

Kakashi was running late. He'd been seeing Iruka off and quite lost track of time – his students had arrived for morning training almost two hours previously. Still, they seemed to have been making good use of their time so Kakashi remained concealed in the shadows as Naruto and Sasuke fought it out on the training ground.

"I will too be Hokage!" He heard Naruto shout in indignation. Kakashi sighed; his young student was constantly remonstrating about how one day he'd become the greatest ninja in the village. If it ever did happen, poor Naruto would run out of things to say.

Sasuke sneered. "Says the shinobi who can't even get a date…"

Naruto's hands vanished into a blur of hand seals before they locked in the cross-shaped finishing seal. An audible tut came from Sasuke; he, like the rest of the team, had seen this all before.

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" Naruto's clones postured heroically as their puffs of smoke dissipated. Sasuke slipped his hands into his pockets. "Don't stand there looking so… so cool!" Naruto complained. He reminded Kakashi of someone… ah, yes. Gai…

Sasuke looked at him dispassionately. Naruto roared and charged with his clones, his arm flashing up to connect with Sasuke's jaw. With a side-step, Sasuke dodged. He blocked the attack and twisted Naruto's arm, sending him sprawling. The clone vanished and Sasuke spun to kick another in the gut.

Kakashi, meanwhile, watched the fight as numerous clones poofed back into nothingness. He tried to imagine Naruto in a green jumpsuit and a bowl cut… Now _that_ would be amusing.

Naruto, however, didn't look like he was finding the fight amusing. Sasuke caught him with a kick that sent him stumbling backwards. A kunai narrowly missed his ear and buried itself in the tree bark inches away from Kakashi. Naruto snorted at Sasuke's aim, though his rival looked unconcerned. A moment passed before a lock of Naruto's golden hair slid away and drifted to the ground. Kakashi couldn't help but grin behind his mask; Sasuke never missed.

Sasuke turned his back on him. "Face it, Naruto. You can't get a girl."

"Oh yeah? Well I'll just prove to you that I can then!" He folded his arms across his inflated chest. "Sakura, will you-"

"Oh no, Naruto!" Sakura screamed. "Don't you dare involve me in this!"

Sasuke clucked his tongue. "Tell you what, dobe, I'll give you some tips…"

"What? Really? I… wait… no thank you, Sasuke-teme. I don't need your advice."

Sasuke turned on his heel. "Don't be childish," he snapped. "This is for your own good, dobe. Meet me at Ichiraku this evening."

Naruto's eyes opened wide. "For… for ramen?"

"Ramen and your… training…"

"Speaking of training…" Kakashi murmured, appearing atop a tree branch.

"Where have you been?!" Naruto roared.

"Sorry I'm late; I got lost on the road of life…"

"Always the same darn excuse…" He distinctly heard Naruto mutter, narrowing his eyes to slits. "'Lost on the road of life'… reading Icha Icha Paradise more like it!"

Kakashi closed his eye with a slight air of smugness. "I was going to say that training's cancelled for today-"

"What?!"

"Well, you've been working hard already and besides… don't you two have a date to prepare for?"

"It is not a date!" Naruto wailed. "He was just going to give me a few tips on girls over ramen! It's all completely innocent!"

"Of course it is," Kakashi said gently. He couldn't help but notice Sasuke smirking behind Naruto's back. In the dark-haired boy's hand, rolled between thumb and forefinger, Kakashi saw the lock of Naruto's hair that had been severed by the path of the kunai.

***

Kakashi pressed the telescope to his one normal eye. He'd borrowed the instrument from Jiraiya, so he could be sure the lenses were immaculately well looked-after and focused for highly precise and detailed data gathering.

There was Naruto coming around the corner, his grin magnified by the telescope. Kakashi quickly checked the ramen bar. Sasuke had arrived early and appeared to be in conversation with the owner. Money exchanged hands and the man handed Sasuke a paper bag which Sasuke dropped into his satchel.

This was no good; if Kakashi wanted juicy details – and he certainly did – he'd need to be able to hear what the two lovers were saying to each other. He put the telescope down and concentrated his chakra into the palm of his hand. With careful moulding, he twisted the swirling blue tongues into the shape of a human ear. It was a jutsu he'd picked up from his reading; Icha Icha Paradise was so educational – Kakashi couldn't understand why it hadn't been made a set text. The translucent blue ear was attached to his finger tip by a thread of chakra so it could pick up vibrations which would be carried along the thread, through his body and to his brain where they would be translated into sounds. Now it was just a case of sending the ear down to eavesdrop. Naruto had stopped in the middle of the street, talking to the Third's grandson. If Kakashi positioned the ear correctly, he'd be able to hear…

"Sorry boss. Can't talk now. I'm busy." Konohamaru was saying.

"You are?" Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Hai. Sasuke-san gave me an important special secret ninja mission!"

"Huh? A mission to do what?"

"I can't tell you. That's why it's secret, boss."

"Oh… I… right." Naruto noticed Sasuke sat at the ramen bar, looking straight at him. "I have to go meet someone…" He was slightly red.

Kakashi grinned as Naruto awkwardly sat beside Sasuke, a bowl immediately being placed in front of him.

"Aren't you going to have any?" Naruto asked his companion.

"Hn? No, dobe. It's all for you."

Naruto's grin spread. "Alright! Ikadakimasu!"

In his hiding place, Kakashi rested his head against his hand. Come on, Sasuke, make your move! Sasuke, however, did nothing but watch Naruto as he polished off three successive bowls of ramen.

"So," Naruto said, wiping his mouth. "Are we going to start training now?"

"Sure," Sasuke smirked. "You go ahead to our usual training ground. I'll catch you up once I've paid."

Naruto cheered at the existence of free ramen and ran off towards the training ground where Kakashi had first worked with them. He half-thought of following Naruto but opted to remain with the scheming Uchiha.

Having forked out more of his own money, Sasuke walked nonchalantly into the shadows of a side street. A figure stepped forward and handed Sasuke a bundle of rope. Kakashi adjusted the focus of his telescope to bring the newcomer into focus. That girl from Gai's team… what was her name… Tenten. Sasuke muttered his thanks, adding the rope to the satchel. What was he planning?

Kakashi ducked down as Sasuke glanced over his shoulder directly at him. He had better be more careful. Sasuke would be heading to the training ground soon so Kakashi kicked off to get a head start and find a decent vantage point.

***

Kakashi was back where he had been that very morning, watching from the patchwork of foliage. Naruto was waiting for Sasuke, leaning against one of the three training posts. He was sure taking his time in arriving. Surely he wouldn't be so cruel as to stand Naruto up?

He was just starting to doubt Sasuke's intentions towards Naruto when he caught the barest hint of movement in the bushes. Naruto hadn't heard it though. A few moments passed.

A sudden flash of blue movement and Sasuke stood back, pleased with his handiwork.

"What are you doing, Sasuke-teme?!" Naruto screamed at him, bound to the centre post by the rope Sasuke had got off Tenten.

"Don't you remember?" He dropped his satchel and took out the paper bag which he opened, revealing a number of rice balls. "The first time we fought, you were tied up here. We fed you rice balls."

"Huh?" Naruto looked truly confused.

"This time Sakura's not around to get in the way," Sasuke said with a waggle of his eyebrows. He leant forward and pressed his lips against Naruto's neck.

Naruto moaned a little. "Sasuke-kun… what if someone's watching?"

"Don't worry… I've sorted that already…"

Kakashi frowned. What did Sasuke mean by that cryptic comment? Someone tapped him on the back. He turned to see who it was.

"Iruka? I thought you were away for the weekend?" Kakashi said, looking up at his scarred best friend… and more.

"I came back when Konohamaru told me what you were up to." Iruka assumed the tone he used for chiding misbehaving students.

"It's not what it looks like!" Kakashi protested, his single visible eye suddenly wide.

"Sure it's not." Iruka grabbed him by the back of his flak jacket. "If I catch you doing something like this again, I swear I'll put up pictures of you without your mask around Konoha!"

"But Iruka-chan! I wanna watch!" Kakashi bawled as he was pulled away from the kinky scene of his dreams. Life just isn't fair for closet pervert stalkers.


End file.
